Why Do Abuse Victims Stay? The Hidden Truths You Need to Know

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult decisions a person can make. For those outside the relationship, it may seem like a simple solution—just leave. However, the reality for abuse victims is far more complex. Stating the obvious may seem like a helpful suggestion, but it can be more damaging than helpful. Numerous emotional, psychological, financial, and social barriers make leaving feel nearly impossible. Understanding these barriers can foster empathy and support for those experiencing abuse, rather than judgment. The life of someone who is being abused can create a cage that may seem impossible to escape, and offering a hand to someone who can't seem to find a way to escape does more than a quick suggestion.

"It's Not That Easy"

Financial Abuse: A Critical Barrier

One of the most significant reasons many abuse victims stay with their abuser is financial dependency. Financial abuse occurs when an abuser controls every aspect of their partner’s finances, preventing them from accessing money, making independent purchases, or even holding a job. This tactic leaves the victim entirely dependent on the abuser for survival. Without financial resources, a victim may feel they have no way to escape, fearing homelessness or poverty if they leave. This form of abuse is often invisible to outsiders, yet it can keep someone trapped in an abusive cycle for years.

Isolation and Loss of Support

Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation is intentional—it makes the victim more reliant on the abuser and less likely to seek help. Over time, victims may lose touch with loved ones, or they may be manipulated into believing that their friends and family don’t care about them. The isolation can create an emotional vacuum, leaving the victim with no one to turn to in times of need. The fear of facing the world alone, without any support, can be a paralyzing factor in their decision to stay.

The Psychological Trap: Stockholm Syndrome

A victim of abuse may develop something akin to Stockholm syndrome, where they form a psychological bond with their abuser. In these cases, the victim may begin to sympathize with or even defend the abuser, believing that the abuse is their fault or that the abuser "loves them" despite the violence. This emotional manipulation makes it even harder for the victim to leave, as they may feel guilty or conflicted about abandoning someone they believe is also suffering. The trauma bond created through this dynamic is powerful and can cause immense confusion for the victim.

Lack of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

After enduring constant abuse, many victims begin to believe the negative things their abuser says about them. Their self-esteem is shattered, and they may feel unworthy of love or respect. The abuser’s manipulation makes the victim feel as though they are to blame for the abuse or that no one else would want them. This loss of self-worth is a direct result of the psychological warfare waged by the abuser, leaving the victim too emotionally broken to imagine a better life for themselves.

The Fear of Breaking Up the Family

For victims who are married or have children with

their abuser, the fear of breaking up the family can weigh heavily. Many victims feel trapped in their marriages because they don’t want to disrupt their children's lives or cause them emotional pain. They may rationalize that it is better to stay for the sake of the children, despite the damaging environment of abuse. However, staying in an abusive relationship does not protect the children; it teaches them that abuse is normal. Children deserve to see their parent happy, strong, and free from harm, and leaving the abusive environment can help break the cycle of generational trauma.

Fear of Retaliation

Fear of retaliation is another powerful reason why victims remain with their abusers. Abusers often threaten physical violence, destruction of property, harm to pets, or even harm to the victim’s loved ones if they try to leave. This fear is very real—many abusers escalate their violence when they sense they are losing control. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence in their lifetime and leaving can be the most dangerous time for a victim. The threat of retaliation keeps many victims stuck, unsure if they will survive the aftermath of trying to leave.

Nowhere Else to Go

Many victims simply have nowhere else to go. Shelters are often full, and victims may not have the financial means to secure housing on their own. Without a safe place to escape to, leaving can feel impossible. The fear of being homeless, especially if children are involved, makes the idea of staying seem like the only option, despite the abuse.

The Power of Intermittent Reward

Abuse is often cyclical, with periods of intense abuse followed by periods of affection, apologies, and promises to change. This intermittent reward system creates a kind of addiction in the victim, as they hold on to the hope that the abuser will change and that the good times will outweigh the bad. This hope keeps many victims trapped in the cycle, believing that if they just stay a little longer, things will improve.

The Statistics of Leaving and Returning

According to the Domestic Violence Intervention Program, it takes an average of seven attempts for a victim to leave an abuser for good. Many victims return to their abusers due to fear, financial constraints, emotional manipulation, or a lack of support. This cycle is heartbreaking, but it’s important to understand that leaving an abuser is not a one-time event—it’s a process. Support, patience, and understanding from others are crucial in helping a victim successfully leave their abuser.

You Deserve Better

If you are a victim of abuse, please know that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. You do not deserve to be hurt, manipulated, or controlled. No matter what your abuser says or does, you are worthy of happiness and safety. If you have children, remember that they deserve to grow up in a healthy environment where love and respect are the norm. Your children need to see you happy and empowered, making healthy decisions for yourself, because this teaches them that abuse is never acceptable. By leaving your abuser, you are not just protecting yourself—you are breaking the cycle of abuse for future generations.

How to Support a Friend Who Is Struggling to Leave an Abusive Relationship

It can be incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking

to watch someone you care about remain in an abusive relationship, especially when you see the toll it takes on their well-being. While it's natural to want to pull them out of the situation immediately, it’s important to approach the situation with patience, compassion, and understanding. Often, victims of abuse feel isolated and powerless, and pushing them too hard or judging their choices can backfire, leaving them feeling even more alone.

One of the most important things you can do is to be a consistent and non-judgmental presence. Let your friend know that you are there for them, no matter what, and that they can come to you when they’re ready. Avoid saying things like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “If I were you, I’d be gone already,” as these types of comments can make them feel even more trapped, ashamed, or incapable of escaping the situation.

Instead, offer your support in practical ways. You can help them document incidents of abuse if they feel comfortable doing so. Encouraging them to keep a journal of abusive events, or saving any threatening messages or evidence of physical harm, can be crucial if they decide to seek legal protection later. You can also help them explore their options, such as finding shelters, legal assistance, or therapy resources, and give them the information they need in a non-pushy way.

If they express interest in leaving but are afraid, reassure them that you will be there to support them when they’re ready. Help them develop a safety plan, which might include identifying safe places to go, gathering important documents and possessions, and having a trusted network they can rely on. Even if they don't leave right away, having a plan can help them feel more secure and prepared for when the time comes.

Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process that takes time. Your job is to offer unconditional support and never give up on them, even if it seems like they’re not listening. Remember, the journey to leaving an abuser is filled with emotional and psychological challenges, and your consistent support can be the lifeline they need to break free finally.

Ways to Leave Your Abuser and Get Support

• Learn how to create an Escape Plan in our previous blog called How to Leave: The Importance of and How to Plan Your Exit From Abuse.

• Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential help.

• Reach out to a local domestic violence shelter for emergency housing and legal assistance.

• Apply for a restraining order or protective order through your local courthouse to prevent the abuser from contacting or approaching you.

• Connect with legal aid organizations that can help you navigate divorce, child custody, or protective orders.

• Speak with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma to help rebuild your self-esteem and process your emotions after leaving.

• Find support through community groups or support groups for survivors of abuse, where you can share your experiences and receive guidance from others who have been through the same journey.

  
  

Remember, you are not alone in this. There are resources, people, and organizations that can help you find safety and rebuild your life after abuse.