How to Leave: The Importance of and How To Plan Your Exit from Abuse

Before continuing with this article I want to make a note for anyone who is currently in a dangerous situation. If you are currently in danger and you're reading this article on a device that may possibly be cloned, hacked, or tracked it can inform your abuser of your activities. Internet usage can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely. If you’re concerned your internet usage might be monitored, call the domestic violence hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233). Remember to clear your browser history after visiting this page, or similar articles on this website.

Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most courageous and challenging decisions a person can make. However, it's also one of the most dangerous. Abusers often become more violent and unpredictable when they sense that their control is slipping away. Therefore, having a well-thought-out exit plan is essential to ensure safety during this vulnerable time.

Escaping Abuse Can Be More Dangerous than Staying

The Danger of Leaving Without a Plan

The period surrounding a breakup is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Statistics show that victims are at an increased risk of severe injury or even homicide when they attempt to leave. This is because the abuser's need for control escalates, leading to desperate and potentially violent actions. The unpredictability of an abuser's behavior makes it crucial for victims to have a detailed plan in place before making any move toward leaving.

Create a Thorough Plan Before Leaving

The Components of an Effective Exit Plan

A successful exit plan involves several key steps and requires careful preparation. Here’s how to begin crafting a plan that prioritizes your safety:

1. Assess Your Situation:

   • Evaluate the level of danger you’re currently facing. If you’re in immediate danger, prioritize finding a safe place to stay and contact local authorities or a crisis hotline.

   • Consider the risks involved in leaving and weigh them against the benefits of staying temporarily while planning.

2. Gather Important Documents and Essentials:

   • Collect essential documents such as identification, birth certificates, social security cards, insurance information, and any legal papers like protective orders.

   • Pack a bag with essentials including medications, keys, cash, credit cards, a burner phone if necessary, and a change of clothes. Store this bag in a safe place or with a trusted friend or family member.

3. Secure Finances:

   • If possible, open a separate bank account and have funds available that your abuser cannot access.

   • Consider saving small amounts of money over time to avoid drawing suspicion, and think about ways to secure additional financial resources, such as through local charities or support groups.

4. Identify a Safe Place to Go:

   • Know where you will go when you leave. This could be a domestic violence shelter, a trusted friend or family member’s home, or a hotel.

   • Research shelters and organizations in your area that can provide emergency housing and other support services. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) can help connect you with resources.

5. Involve Trusted Support:

   • Identify trusted individuals who can help you through this process. This could include friends, family members, or professionals like counselors or advocates.

   • Let them know your plan and ask for their support. This could involve providing a place to stay, helping with transportation, or simply being a safe point of contact.

6. Create a Communication Strategy:

   • Establish safe and discrete ways to communicate with your support network. Consider using code words or signals to indicate when you need help.

   • Ensure that your communication devices are secure. Use a safe phone or computer that your abuser does not have access to, and be cautious about sharing details over easily accessible platforms.

7. Plan for Children and Pets:

   • If you have children, plan for their safety as well. Know their schedules, and make arrangements for them to be picked up by a trusted person if necessary.

   • Don’t forget your pets—many abusers use them as leverage. Some shelters and organizations offer safe havens for pets, or you might arrange for a friend to care for them temporarily.

8. Practice Your Exit:

   • If possible, practice leaving safely. This might involve running through your plan in your mind or physically practicing your exit strategy.

   • Be prepared to leave quickly if necessary, and know the safest routes out of your home.

9. Legal Preparations:

   • Consider seeking legal advice or support. This could involve getting a restraining order or custody order if children are involved.

   • Legal professionals or advocates from local domestic violence organizations can help guide you through this process.

10. Have a Backup Plan:

    • Things may not go as expected, so it’s essential to have a backup plan. Know what you will do if your primary plan fails, and keep your options open.

Always Have a Backup Plan

The Role of Trusted Support

Involving trusted support is crucial. Trusting the wrong person with your escape plan can be detrimental. Having someone who knows your plan and can provide assistance can make the difference between safety and danger, but the wrong person can be the difference between life and death. Be sure that whomever you're working with is 100% on your side and there are no questions about it. This person can be a lifeline, offering everything from emotional support to practical help with logistics.

Never Look Back

Support Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Provides 24/7 support and resources (1-800-799-SAFE).

• Local Domestic Violence Shelters: Offer safe housing and support services. (Dial 211 in America)

• Legal Aid Societies: Can assist with obtaining restraining orders and other legal protections.

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.

  
  

Being Free

Leaving an abusive relationship is a critical and dangerous step, but with careful planning and the right support, it can be done safely. An exit plan is not just a strategy; it’s a lifeline. Take the time to plan thoroughly, reach out to trusted allies, and use available resources to ensure that when you leave, you do so as safely as possible. Remember, you are not alone—there is support, and there is hope for a life free from abuse. After leaving an abuser, victims might find that they feel like they want or "need" to go back to their partner. However, recognizing that it is incredibly likely that a victim can experience withdrawal from an addiction to the abuse. Creating a plan and support network on how to deal with this problem would be the next step. And you can read about that here.

If you're seeking to escape your current situation and need help, please download this free escape plan journal to help you plan your safe exit. And remember to clear your browser history if you aren't certain if your device has been compromised.