You're Not Crazy, You're Being Gaslit

Gaslighting is a covert form of emotional abuse

where the abuser makes the victim question their own reality, memory, or perception. It is a manipulative tactic used to gain control over someone by creating doubt and confusion, ultimately eroding their self-esteem and making them dependent on the abuser for validation. Recognizing gaslighting is the first step in protecting yourself from this toxic and harmful behavior.

What is Gaslighting?

The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (and its subsequent film adaptations), in which a husband slowly manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying it when she notices. Over time, she begins to doubt her own perception of reality.

In modern terms, gaslighting refers to any manipulation that causes the victim to question their sense of truth. The abuser dismisses or invalidates the victim's feelings, experiences, and perceptions, making them feel unsure of themselves and their decisions.

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can take many forms, but here are some common examples:

1. Denying Reality:

   • Example: You remember an important conversation with your partner, but they insist it never happened. They might say, "You’re imagining things. I never said that."

   • Effect: Over time, you begin to question your memory and doubt your own recollection of events.

2. Minimizing Your Feelings:

   • Example: When you express hurt or frustration, the gaslighter might say, "You’re being too sensitive" or "You’re overreacting."

   • Effect: This makes you feel like your emotions are invalid, leading you to suppress your feelings to avoid conflict.

3. Blaming You for Their Behavior:

   • Example: If the abuser behaves poorly, they may twist the situation to make it your fault: "I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me so angry."

   • Effect: You end up feeling responsible for their actions and begin to believe you are the problem.

4. Using Lies and Contradictions:

   • Example: A gaslighter may tell outright lies to confuse you or contradict things they’ve previously said. "I never said that. You must be remembering it wrong."

   • Effect: These contradictions make you doubt your understanding of what’s real.

5. Undermining Your Confidence:

   • Example: The gaslighter might constantly tell you that you’re not smart enough to understand certain things or that your thoughts are irrational. "You don’t know what you’re talking about" or "You’re too emotional to think clearly."

   • Effect: This erodes your self-esteem and makes you more dependent on their version of reality.

     
     

Are You Being Gaslit?

If you're experiencing gaslighting, you might notice certain patterns in your emotions and thoughts. Here are some common symptoms:

Constant Self-Doubt:

• You frequently second-guess yourself and question your memory or perception.

• You feel like you can’t trust your own judgment.

Feeling Confused or Crazy:

• You feel constantly confused, like you’re "losing it."

• You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive or dramatic

  because the abuser keeps telling you so.

Walking on Eggshells:

• You start to avoid conflicts by silencing your own thoughts and feelings, fearing that anything you say might provoke a negative reaction.

Increased Anxiety or Depression:

• Gaslighting can lead to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or constant anxiety.

• You may start to feel isolated and afraid to confide in others.

Difficulty Making Decisions:

• You struggle to make even simple decisions without consulting the abuser, as you’ve been conditioned to doubt your own choices.

Feeling Like You Can’t Do Anything Right:

• No matter how hard you try, you feel like everything you do is wrong or inadequate, based on the feedback from the gaslighter.

  
  

How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting

If you recognize the signs of gaslighting in your relationship, it’s crucial to take steps to protect yourself. Here’s how:

Trust Your Instincts:

• If something feels off, trust your gut. Gaslighting makes you doubt your intuition, but your feelings are valid.

Remind yourself that your experiences are real, even if the gaslighter denies them.

Keep a Journal:

• Write down specific instances where you feel gaslighted. Document conversations, behaviors, and your emotional reactions. This written record can help validate your experience.

• Having a record can help you see patterns and clarify what’s happening when you start to doubt yourself.

Set Boundaries:

• Set clear boundaries with the gaslighter. For example, refuse to engage in discussions where your reality is being denied or minimized.

• Limit interactions when possible, and be firm in asserting your truth.

Seek External Validation:

• Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Sharing your thoughts with others can provide clarity and confirmation that you’re not imagining things.

• External validation can help you stay grounded when gaslighting makes you feel uncertain.

Practice Affirmations:

• Use positive affirmations to rebuild your confidence and sense of reality. Tell yourself, "My feelings are valid," or "I trust my memory and intuition."

• This can counteract the self-doubt created by gaslighting.

Distance Yourself:

• If possible, create physical and emotional distance between yourself and the gaslighter. Limiting their influence on your mental well-being can help you regain control of your reality.

Consider Professional Help:

• Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing from gaslighting. A therapist can help you process your experiences and rebuild your self-esteem.

• In extreme cases, you may need legal advice or protection if the gaslighting is part of a larger pattern of abuse.

  
  

Recognizing gaslighting is the first step to freeing yourself from its manipulative effects. It’s a form of abuse that can be subtle, but its impact is profound. By trusting your intuition, setting boundaries, and seeking support from others, you can protect yourself from further harm. Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness in all of your relationships.

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