Is it Abuse? Identifying the Cycle of Abuse Through Rose-Colored Glasses

The cycle of abuse is a complex and often hidden pattern that many people endure in abusive relationships. It’s a repetitive process that can make it difficult for victims to recognize the true nature of their situation. This cycle can create confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of being trapped, making it challenging for victims to see their reality clearly and take steps toward safety and healing. In this blog, we’ll explore the cycle of abuse, how it works, and how understanding it can help you or someone you care about recognize the signs of abuse in a current or future relationship.

Time to Take Off the Rose Colored Glasses

The Cycle of Abuse: An Overview

The cycle of abuse is typically divided into four phases: Tension Building, Incident of Abuse, Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase), and Calm (Period of Relative Peace). This cycle can repeat over and over, often escalating in severity over time. Let’s take a closer look at each phase:

1. Tension Building

During the tension-building phase, the abuser becomes increasingly irritable, angry, or moody. The victim may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering the abuser’s anger. Tension builds gradually, and the victim may try to appease the abuser by being overly accommodating or by avoiding conflict.

Example: Your partner starts becoming short-tempered and critical over small things, like the way dinner is cooked or the tone of a conversation. You might sense the growing tension and start doing everything possible to avoid further upsetting your partner, perhaps by constantly apologizing or trying to be extra attentive.

2. Explosion

This phase is marked by the actual abusive incident, which can take many forms, including physical violence, emotional abuse, verbal threats, or sexual coercion. The abuser unleashes their built-up tension on the victim, and this outburst is often followed by feelings of intense fear, confusion, and helplessness for the victim.

Example: The tension finally erupts into an abusive incident—perhaps a shouting match where the abuser hurls insults and blames the victim for everything that’s wrong. In some cases, this could escalate to physical violence, such as pushing or hitting.

3. Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase)

After the abusive incident, the abuser often shifts gears dramatically, entering the reconciliation phase. They might apologize, show affection, or promise that the abuse will never happen again. This phase can be deeply confusing for the victim, who may feel relieved and hopeful that the relationship can return to normal.

Example: After the outburst, the abuser might come to the victim with flowers, a heartfelt apology, and promises of change. They may express deep remorse, say they were just stressed, and promise to get help or do better in the future.

4. Calm & Respite (Period of Relative Peace)

In this phase, the relationship may return to a period of relative peace. Things might feel like they’re back to normal, and the victim may believe that the abuser has truly changed. However, without real, sustained change or intervention, the cycle is likely to repeat.

Example: Following the reconciliation, the couple might experience a peaceful period where everything seems fine. The abuser might be on their best behavior, and the victim might feel hopeful that the relationship is finally improving. However, underlying issues remain unresolved, setting the stage for the cycle to start again.

Recognizing the Cycle in Your Own Life: Seeing Through the “Rose-Colored Glasses”

It’s common for victims of abuse to wear “rose-colored glasses,” meaning they may see their relationship through a lens that downplays or excuses abusive behavior. This can happen because of the abuser’s manipulative tactics, societal pressures, or the victim’s own hopes that things will get better. If you’re wondering whether you might be caught in a cycle of abuse, here are some questions to consider:

• Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid conflict or angering your partner?

• Have you experienced episodes of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, followed by apologies and promises of change?

• Does your partner’s behavior swing between extreme kindness and extreme anger?

• Do you find yourself excusing or minimizing your partner’s abusive behavior, believing it’s not that bad or that they will change?

• Do you feel isolated, like you can’t talk to others about what’s happening in your relationship?

  
  

If you find yourself answering “yes” to these questions, you might be experiencing the cycle of abuse. It’s important to understand that abuse is never your fault, and no one deserves to be treated this way.

Recognize the Signs of the Cycle of Abuse

How to Proceed if You’re in an Abusive Relationship

Recognizing that you’re in an abusive relationship can be overwhelming, but it’s a crucial first step toward reclaiming your life and safety. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Reach Out for Support

Talking to someone you trust can help you see your situation more clearly and provide emotional support. This could be a friend, family member, or a professional such as a therapist or counselor. If you’re unsure who to talk to, consider reaching out to a domestic violence hotline or a support group for victims of abuse.

2. Create a Safety Plan

If you’re in immediate danger, your safety is the top priority. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. This can include things like identifying a safe place to go, keeping important documents and money accessible, and having a code word to use with friends or family in case of emergency. Or you can read our blog about Planning an Exit

3. Set Boundaries

While setting boundaries in an abusive relationship can be difficult, it’s important to protect yourself as much as possible. This might mean limiting contact with your abuser, especially during the reconciliation phase when they may try to manipulate you into staying.

4. Educate Yourself

Understanding the cycle of abuse and how it operates can empower you to recognize patterns and take steps to protect yourself. Knowledge is a powerful tool in breaking free from abusive dynamics.

5. Consider Professional Help

Therapists who specialize in domestic violence can offer valuable support and strategies for coping with the trauma of abuse. They can help you work through your feelings and build the strength to make difficult decisions, including the decision to leave the relationship if necessary.

6. Trust Your Instincts

If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t. Trust your instincts, even if you’re being told otherwise by your partner. You have the right to live free from fear, control, and manipulation.

Moving Forward: You Deserve Peace and Respect

If you’ve recognized the cycle of abuse in your own life, know that you’re not alone, and there is help available. Breaking free from an abusive relationship is a process that takes time, courage, and support. Remember, you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, kindness, and trust.

It’s important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these difficult emotions and decisions. The road to healing is a journey, but it’s one that leads to a life where you can feel safe, valued, and at peace. If you’re in need of immediate assistance or support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a domestic violence hotline or a local support organization. You don’t have to go through this alone, and help is just a call away.

Support Resources

• American National Domestic Violence Hotline: Provides 24/7 support and resources (1-800-799-SAFE).

• Local Domestic Violence Shelters: Offer safe housing and support services. (Dial 211 in America)

• Legal Aid Societies: Can assist with obtaining restraining orders and other legal protections.

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 crisis counseling.