Flying Monkeys: How Abusers Use Others to Manipulate and Control You

In the world of toxic relationships and emotional abuse, the term "flying monkeys" refers to people who are manipulated by an abuser to do their bidding. Just like the flying monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz" who served the Wicked Witch, these individuals may unknowingly (or sometimes knowingly) assist the abuser in furthering their control over you. They might spread misinformation, report back on your actions, or apply pressure on you to return to the abuser. Understanding who these "flying monkeys" are and how they operate is crucial for protecting yourself from their influence.

What Are "Flying Monkeys"?

"Flying monkeys" are people whom the abuser manipulates to act on their behalf. They can be friends, family members, or even mutual acquaintances who might not fully understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship. The abuser often paints themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator, convincing the flying monkeys to intervene on their behalf. This can make an already difficult situation even more challenging, as you might feel betrayed or isolated by those you thought you could trust

Identifying Flying Monkeys: Who Are They?

Flying monkeys can be anyone in your social circle who the abuser has managed to influence. Here are some characteristics and behaviors that might help you identify them:

• They Often Play the Role of Mediator: Flying monkeys might try to "smooth things over" by encouraging you to forgive the abuser or by downplaying the abuse. They may frame their intervention as trying to "help" the situation.

• They Spread the Abuser’s Narrative: These individuals often repeat the abuser’s side of the story, which may include lies or exaggerations designed to make you look bad or to justify the abuser’s behavior.

• They Guilt You: Flying monkeys might use guilt as a tactic, suggesting that you’re overreacting or that you’re hurting the abuser by not reconciling. They may say things like, "They miss you," or "They’re really sorry."

• They Monitor Your Actions: Some flying monkeys may report back to the abuser on your activities, such as who you’re spending time with, what you’re saying, or what you’re posting on social media. This allows the abuser to maintain control even from a distance.

• They Act as Enforcers: In some cases, flying monkeys might directly try to manipulate you into doing what the abuser wants, whether it’s meeting up, giving in to demands, or re-engaging in the relationship.

  
  

Why Do Flying Monkeys Do It?

Flying monkeys aren’t always aware of the harm they’re causing. They often act out of misguided loyalty, ignorance, or a desire to avoid conflict. Here are some reasons why they might participate:

• Manipulation by the Abuser: The abuser might have convinced the flying monkey that they’re the real victim. Abusers are often skilled manipulators who can portray themselves as misunderstood or wronged, making others sympathize with them.

• Lack of Understanding: Many people don’t fully understand the dynamics of abuse, especially emotional or psychological abuse. They might not recognize the signs of manipulation and may genuinely believe they’re helping.

• Fear of the Abuser: In some cases, flying monkeys might act out of fear. They may be afraid of losing their relationship with the abuser, or they might worry about becoming the next target of the abuser’s anger.

• Desire to Maintain the Status Quo: Some flying monkeys might prefer to maintain peace within a social group or family, even if it means ignoring or downplaying the abuse. They might encourage reconciliation to avoid disruption or conflict.

  
  

How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

Dealing with flying monkeys can be difficult, but it’s important to take steps to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries. Here’s how:

1. Identify and Distance

• Recognize the Signs: Be aware of who in your life is acting as a flying monkey. If someone consistently pressures you to forgive or return to the abuser, downplays your experiences, or relays information to the abuser, they might be a flying monkey.

• Set Boundaries: Once you’ve identified flying monkeys, it’s essential to set firm boundaries. You might need to limit contact or be clear that you don’t want to discuss the abuser or the relationship with them.

2. Limit Information Sharing

• Control What You Share: Be cautious about what information you share with flying monkeys, especially if they have a history of reporting back to the abuser. Consider adjusting your privacy settings on social media or avoiding sharing details about your life with those you can’t fully trust.

• Communicate Through Trusted Channels: If you need to communicate with others in your social circle, try to do so through trusted individuals who understand your situation and won’t relay information to the abuser.

3. Educate and Clarify

• Explain Your Side: Sometimes, flying monkeys act out of ignorance. If you feel safe and it’s appropriate, consider calmly explaining your perspective. Let them know about the abuse and why you’ve made certain decisions, such as cutting off contact.

• Encourage Them to Learn: Suggest resources or information on abuse dynamics, so they can better understand what you’re going through. This might help them see the situation more clearly and withdraw their support from the abuser.

4. Seek Support

• Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who understand your situation and are genuinely supportive of your well-being. This might include friends, family members, or support groups who won’t act as flying monkeys.

• Consider Professional Help: A therapist or counselor can help you navigate the challenges of dealing with flying monkeys and provide strategies for maintaining your boundaries and mental health.

  
  

Protecting Your Peace

Flying monkeys can complicate an already challenging situation, but understanding their role and taking steps to protect yourself can help you maintain control of your life. Remember, you are under no obligation to justify your actions or decisions to anyone, especially those who are being manipulated by your abuser. Your priority should be your own safety, well-being, and healing.

If you find yourself dealing with flying monkeys, know that it’s okay to distance yourself from those who don’t respect your boundaries or understand the dynamics of abuse. Protect your peace by surrounding yourself with individuals who truly support you and by seeking professional guidance if needed. Practicing your boundaries will help protect you from the chaos. You deserve to move forward in a life free from manipulation and control, and recognizing the role of flying monkeys is a powerful step in that direction.